I’m in an open marriage and have two lovers — my husband is happy with just me

Welcome to How I Do It, the series in which we give you a seven-day sneak peek into the sex life of a stranger.

This week we hear from 29-year-old queer writer Leah*, who has been married to her husband, Jack*, for two years.

The couple have an open marriage and have been in an ethical non-monogamous relationship (ENM) since they started dating five years ago.

‘I had already expressed wanting to have an ENM relationship before we were a couple,’ Leah says. ‘I was clear that I enjoy dating. You get to meet people and explore, and I wanted to be able to grab those opportunities.

‘It was new for Jack, but he liked the idea of having the freedom to connect with others and explore our own bodies, while keeping the trust between us.’

Leah says that being ENM means she communicates well with her boyfriend – however, it’s not always been plain sailing. The pair did have to close their relationship for six months after Leah had sex with someone at a party.

‘I wasn’t very talkative about the hookup and Jack ended up feeling very bad,’ Leah explains. ‘One of our rules is that if one of us feels uncomfortable or doesn’t want to be open, then we get veto rights to close our relationship for a period of time – no questions asked.

‘We became monogamous until Jack felt ready.’

When they tied the knot, none of their flings attended their wedding, but Leah did invite someone she’d had sex with, who by then was just a friend.

The ground rules they have now include not having sex with any friend (theirs or each others), and not bringing someone back to their house unless the other person is away.

Without further ado, here’s how Leah got on this week…

The following sex diary is, as you might imagine, not safe for work.

Monday

Jack and I don’t constantly date or have sex with others, but I’ve recently started to date more actively outside my relationship. I want to have some fun, meet new people and have some sexual adventures.

My husband isn’t currently seeing anyone else, but by choice. He doesn’t like going out as much, and finds dating draining. He also hates the apps, although he would enjoy meeting someone organically.

Ultimately he’s happy to support me fulfilling my own desires, and is currently enjoying our open marriage. I’m a lot more sexually adventurous, but he gives me the freedom to live that life, and I still get to go home and have him as my safe place and comfort.

Today I’m out on a date with one of my two sex partners outside of my marriage, Ethan*, for a introductory rope tying (Shibari) class. Ethan is single but knows I’m married and it doesn’t bother him.

Together we learn a couple of knots and test them out on each other. On our way out of the class, Ethan waves me into the bathroom. I’ve had my fair share of public sex in the past and I find it fun – I like creating memories and fulfilling someone’s fantasy.

Bathroom door locked, I take off my pants and bend over for a quickie. It feels like such a good release and I want more, but find it hard to stay quiet.

Fed up of feeling like we need to hold back, we stop and head back to Ethan’s so we can f**k more freely. As soon as we reach his hallway I start to undress and he pushes me against the wall, pulling down my trousers and pants.

We move around his apartment, switching between doggy and me on top (my favourite). We go on like this for hours with a couple of breaks. 

I get home late, but luckily Jack is still awake, and I undress and crawl into bed to cuddle and sleep. He knows where I’ve been and what I’ve been doing. Usually I don’t share too many details, but we enjoy talking about it sometimes – we share how it makes us feel, or if we tried something new.

Tuesday

It’s early afternoon and Ethan texts that he’s about to start his lunch break, asking me to come over. I happily oblige as I only live five minutes away and I’m still excited from last night.

The distance is very practical for late night visits – I don’t need to stay over and can get myself home more easily and safely, which Jack appreciates as well.

As I enter, Ethan’s still on a work call, but he brings me in and undresses. I get down on my knees and start giving him head while he’s desperately trying to wrap up his call.

I tease him and take my time playing with him. Finally, he manages to get off the call, and he doesn’t waste any time, bending me over the sofa.

Rougher sex is something I enjoy, but prefer to do outside my marriage because I like to enjoy more loving sex with my husband.

We move to the bedroom and I get my turn on top, rubbing myself into climax. Before I know it, he finishes and his lunch break is over, so I return home to do some work and house cleaning.

It’s 10pm when Jack gets back from basketball training and is about to jump in the shower. He tells me how horny he is, and I very eagerly tell him not to worry, and pin him down on the bed.

As I say it, I slightly regret it as my thighs and glutes are sore from all the sexual activity over the last few days, but I’m determined. We start messing around. Jack likes to have a lot of foreplay before sex, enjoying each other’s bodies.

I’m in disbelief that I’m able to have more sex, but enjoying it. Since I started seeing Ethan, Jack and I are having more sex than I can remember.

I think it’s because Ethan has made me more comfortable exploring what I want in the bedroom, which has made me hornier.

Wednesday

Another afternoon quickie with Ethan. We just can’t get enough and are having a lot of fun matching each others high sex drive.

He bends me over and then I ride him, but my thighs were starting to give in. It’s certainly worth it though.

We’ve been seeing each other a lot lately, and sometimes I wonder if it’s too much, but my husband hasn’t seemed to mind.

Jack and I like a separation between the people we date and our relationship. We can easily discuss and talk about our experiences, but we don’t really want to meet or know the people our partner is dating.

Thursday

I wrap up work and get ready to head to a relaxed date night with Sam, a non-binary person I met at a party. They are polyamorous and have three partners they’re in relationships with. I can’t get into a relationship outside my own.

We’ve had a couple of dates at their house where we’ve made out quite a bit and insinuated that we want more, but we’ve not gone the whole way yet.

Usually it doesn’t take this long before I’m in bed with someone, but Sam is a bit on the shy side, so I’m happy to take it slow. We sit a chat for a bit and as we order in some food.

Around 11pm, Sam suggests we go to bed. Every time they do something new, they ask me if it’s okay. It makes me feel very safe, but it doesn’t necessarily feel the sexiest, and it takes some getting used to.

We spend time finding out what each other likes, taking turns in playing with each other using our fingers and mouths. I climax quite quickly when they go down on me, but I spend quite some time on them, making them moan and teasing. Eventually, they also get their vibrator, and I help them come. 

After we finish we spend some time cuddling and kissing before we sleep.

Friday

It’s 6pm and I’m all dressed up at a bar waiting for this person I’ve never met before, but chatted with online. I get my favourite beer, Neck Oil, and wait.

I keep the FEELD app open to see if there is any news. Before I know it, it’s 15 minutes past our meetup time and no message. I wonder how long is it acceptable to wait without a ‘I’m late message’?

I ask this exact question to my husband. He tells me that I should just finish my beer in the tempo I’d like, and then leave. I head home 30 minutes after our meeting time, and still no message.

I’m disappointed, and I would be mad, but I have to admit that I’m excited to get back home to have a cosy evening with Jack. Besides, I’ve already had a lot of adventure for the week.

I send my date a message on the way home asking if they could let me know what happened, as I’m deeply curious, but no reply.

Back at home, Jack and I suggest different theories of why the person never messaged. This is the first time something like this has happened, thankfully. But also a good lesson knowing it can happen, and to be careful.

Saturday

Jack and I are on a date at a crafts market, followed by lunch. It’s nice to go out together because I see dates with my husband as extra important. I date other people, so this keeps our intimacy alive and helps us feel more connected.

It’s very easy to get stuck into a comfortable bubble at home, so days like these stop us taking each other for granted.

We check in on each other. I share my experience of Thursday night, and he asks some questions of how it felt being with someone who isn’t male. I say it felt more sensual for me.

By 10pm Ethan is back from his trip to London and invites me over for a late night visit. We do our usual thing – my clothes it the floor and he instructs me to get to the bedroom where I bend over by the edge of the bed.

Then we have six hours of indulgent sex-crazed fun. It’s been a long time since I’ve been so comfortable with someone sexually, and get to really spend time doing it.

I’m very comfortable with my husband, and we can talk about anything, but when we have sex I don’t necessarily get to experiment as much, and we don’t last more than 20 minutes.

It’s more soft, slow, and intimate with Jack. This works well for us, but for me there is also something thrilling getting stuck into a sex focus for hours – leaving the world behind and just letting our bodies drive us and testing out anything that feels good.

This is why I love exploring outside my marriage.

Sunday

I get up and do some shopping and crafts – planning on having a relaxed and sexless Sunday.

The thought of my wild and fun week excites me, but also my body needs some rest. I’m feeling very appreciative that I have such an open-minded and understanding husband, who is comfortable with letting me explore freely.

I don’t feel like I need to do much explaining anymore as he knows me so well by know. I think it makes me a better partner because I have more energy to be caring, since my sexual needs are being met elsewhere.

Now that I’m dating more actively I’ve also started to talk more about it with some friends, but I know not everyone agrees with my lifestyle.

But for the people I have shared this with, I don’t get a lot of judgement. There was only one old friend who looked at me with disgust.

She mistakenly assumed that because I’m non-monogamous I wouldn’t respect other peoples monogamous relationships, which is not the case and it hurt to have her think that.

I have no shame about ENM, but knowing that many misunderstand and judge is a reason that I keep it close to my chest.

Do you have a story to share?

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